Hey! Guess what, bloggermuffinheads? It’s been a year! I JUST realized that I am now starting my 13th month of According to Trish. WOW! Thanks and big hugs to all of my readers. I can’t tell you what it means to me that people actually come to this site and spend precious moments of their day reading my silly drivel. I LOVE the emails you send me, so keep ’em coming because they keep me going! I know a lot of you don’t like to do the public comment thing, but if you get the urge, I love those, too. You can also sign up for my According to Trish facebook page (down on the right side of the screen) so you’ll get updated when I post something new.
This seems like a good time to do a wee bit of housekeeping. I’ve been wondering lately if I should post shorter, more-frequent entries or I should just stay with the longer ones? I’d love some feedback on that if you have some opinions. I fear that I get pretty long-winded sometimes (no, really) and it may be hard for you people who are reading me at work. Also, I’d love to get into a regular posting schedule, so that’s a goal for Year 2.
I just reread my very first real blog post from last November (http://tinyurl.com/24zr325) and it’s funny to see what my intentions were v. how this blog actually turned out. Who would’ve predicted that one year later, I’d be writing about my divorce and my dating life? Not me, bitches. Not me.
I remember starting this blog last year. I worked out a deal with the ex where I could snag a few hours a week to go write in my favorite coffee shop after I dropped Megan off at school, while he watched the little guy (who was still very much a baby then). Sitting in that dim, warm little joint that always played great music, surrounded by whatever art they had hanging on the walls at the time, I was so, so happy. So happy to be writing and putting stuff out there that might, you know, actually be read. I was positively euphoric. And then when I was done writing, I’d walk out into the bright sunshine and look around at the quirky little town and think, “Someday I going to live here.” And now I do. Just not in the way I thought I would.
But that’s OK. Because we all know that plans rarely work out how we think they will and we all know that sometimes that’s a very good thing.
So I’m getting divorced and the holidays are coming and I’ve some bad moments here and there. You want to know the really odd thing about all of that, though? I’m about a million percent happier than I was last year, even with this year’s moments of despair factored in. Because this year I’m living a much more authentic life. This year, I don’t have to put a good face on anything. This year, I don’t have to try so hard, every moment of every day — I can just be. Even if part of that means some sadness, at least it’s real. But you know something else? There has been a lot of joy, too. I’ll admit it: I’m having a pretty good time out here in SingleMommaLand.
I’m not going to say that I’m psychic (although I do subscribe to the idea that we all probably are to some degree) but I have had a few moments in my life where I just knew things that were going to happen. The most obvious and weird example was that a few months before my dad died, I knew it was going to happen. I don’t know how or why I knew. The best I can describe it is that it was like someone inserted the information into my brain and that knowledge was just a fact to me after that. And then it happened a few months later. He died. I had another moment like that last January, when I was packing up the Christmas decorations. I somehow knew it was going to be my last Christmas in that house. I wasn’t thinking about divorce in any sort of imminent way at that time, although it was in my mind in a nagging, far-off sort of way. We had been kicking around the idea of moving but financially it didn’t look like it was going to happen any time soon. So I sort of questioned the thought. Why? How? But I didn’t have those answers so I just kept putting decorations in boxes and dismissed it. A few weeks later I had another thing pop into my head: My days as a full-time, 24/7 parent were numbered. Again, I didn’t know why or how. Divorce wasn’t imminent. Going back to the office wasn’t even on the radar screen at the time. And yet here we are — shared custody and part-time daycare so I can work.
That knowing-sorta-thing … it just happened again recently. I try to keep pretty busy during my kid-free time but I also try to build in some time alone — because it’s important to me and because, honestly, I’m trying to get used to it again after so many years of never being alone, ever (moms: holla). There are some great trails around here and some of them go so deep into the woods that you can’t help but end up by yourself if you walk long enough. So I went out on a solo hike and there I was, just getting hit over the head with the gorgeous day and the gorgeous scenery and just trying to soak it all in. I was standing there on a high trail that had a steep dropoff overlooking some old stone ruins. There was no one anywhere. Then, I swear, the air around me changed. I didn’t want to move a muscle for fear that I’d disturb whatever the hell was happening. And then I got enveloped with this sense, this absolute knowing that good, good things are coming. Great things. I’m not sure what exactly, but something. Or maybe even somethings. And I stood there, still and quiet in the woods and I questioned if that was what I was really feeling. And yeah, it was. It was like the universe was saying, “Hey, you don’t have to feel so bad. Trust. Things are unfolding just how they’re supposed to. It’s all going to turn out even better than you can imagine.”
Now listen. I know I sound like a total screwball here. I get that. I question whether I should even post this, honestly. But I have my own little brand of spirituality and someday I probably won’t be able to help myself and I’ll write a blog post about it and then get into endless discussions about religion and God and so forth (which is probably one reason why I haven’t ventured down that path yet). But part of that is that I’ve really learned to trust my intuition — because it has never, ever steered me wrong. And another part of that is that I always, always try to leave the door to open to magic. I don’t limit myself to thinking that just because things are this way today that this is the way that they will remain. That, my peeps, has been one of the biggest gifts I have ever given myself — being open to possibility and being willing to seriously entertain options that are outside my realm of experience and outside of my so-called comfort zones. I’ve had lots of fantastic, completely unexpected things show up and they have often completely changed the course of my life — for the better. So I’m excited to find out what’s coming up. I don’t know when and I don’t know where and I don’t know what. But I’m on the lookout.
I know you all come here for a laugh and this blog post wasn’t really funny. I know you sometimes come here to see what’s going on in SingleMommaLand — the divorce fallout, the dating, etc. There wasn’t so much of that this time. And no, after one year, this blog as a whole hasn’t quite ended up what I thought it would be. But you know what? I’m crazy proud of it. It has fed my soul in so many ways to write it. I have connected with so many friends and strangers because of it. Some of you have told me that it has helped you face things in your own lives and … wow. What can I say to that, except that I’m completely humbled. Wow again.
So overall, this was sort of a nice, quiet little post for me to look back on a year’s worth of writing. And now I look forward to … looking forward. It’s a new year, a new chapter, a new life. Hang with me bitches. Things are about to get pretty good.
Year 2. Hang on to your butts.