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Gay People of America: I wouldn’t do that if I were you

Dear Gay People of America,

I want to give you some advice as a friend and a long-time supporter of the gay community: Think twice before you push this marriage thing too far. Because you just might get what you ask for.

Here’s the thing: You’re already losing your novelty. There was a time when, if I had a friend who was homosexual, I thought of the person as my “gay friend.” I was proud to have a gay friend because it said something about me to the rest of the world: Look at me! I’m open-minded! I’ve been to a gay bar! I’ve seen drag queens up close! I’m progressive! I’m adventurous and crazy!

It was almost like having a black friend.

But not anymore. Honestly, half the time I forget that most of you are gay. We talk about mortgages and health care and politics. We go to lunch at chain restaurants. You invite me to your homes and there is nary a rainbow flag to be seen, never mind any sort of well-endowed nude lawn statue.

To be honest, the whole “gay thing” is starting to lose its edge. Any sort of residual cache’ you got from your alternative lifestyle “choice” is fading. It’s becoming so that you’re no more interesting than anyone else. In fact, many of you gay men aren’t even good dressers anymore. If I saw you at the Home Depot on a Saturday (which is becoming more and more likely), I wouldn’t walk away thinking that you were there to buy mounting equipment for some advanced sex toy. Plus, many of you have gotten so lazy that you no longer even bother to punctuate your conversations with shrieks of “Girlfriend!”

And you lesbians aren’t any better. Let’s be honest, ladies. None of you have hit on me in ages. And I no longer feel ultra feminine and petite next to your hulking butchness. Why? You wear make up. I suspect that a few of you wear skirts from time to time. Not one of you has ever offered to change my tire. What? Are you afraid that you’re going to break a nail? Heaven forbid.

So what I’m saying is, this marriage thing is all you have left. It’s the only thing that sets you apart. Are you really sure that you want to give that up? Yeah, yeah, yeah, health insurance and visiting sick partners on their death beds is all very nice, of course. But if you lose the struggle, you’re just going to be like the rest of us. Is it really worth it?

2 Responses to “Gay People of America: I wouldn’t do that if I were you”

  1. Mckerr says:

    I really think your tagline should’ve been “If it ain’t PC, it’s me” Just sayin’. And that’s why your adoring fans keep reading.

  2. Trish says:

    Just trying to make a point by being over-the-top, crude and ridiculous. Seems to be a theme in my life.

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