Date Archives May 2012

My haunted house

You know me well enough by now. You probably saw the title of this post and assumed that I’m about to get all philosophical about my divorce or the ghosts of my past … But no. Not this time. Today I’m actually going to tell you about the ghost in my house. Yes. Really. Full disclosure: I’m a bit of a paranormal geek. I’ve paid to go on overnight ghost hunts in supposedly haunted places. And yes, I have an active imagination. If it were just me having experiences here,… Read More

Marking a decade with chinese food and the Real Housewives

It’s 5:44 on Friday. I’ve canceled my plans. I’ve ordered Chinese food. I have some wine. I have some “Real Housewives” on the DVR. My goal: Be in bed with a book by 7:30. Asleep by 8:30. This time, exactly 10 years ago, I was standing at the altar. Yup. I knew this day was coming. It would sort of float in and out of my mind and I would just let it. I figured I’d just move through today like, “Yeah, that sucks but I’m OK …” Turns out,… Read More

Dear Dads: Mother’s Day is tomorrow. Don’t screw it up.

Dear Fathers, Tomorrow is Mother’s Day. (I am just going to take it as a given that you knew that all on your own.) We need to talk, fellas. First, let me start by thanking you for your various contributions to child-rearing. I don’t know you all, but my guess is that you’ve enhanced your children’s lives in various and important ways: from providing a loving home and financial stability, to teaching the proper way to unleash a rippin’ armpit fart. I salute your accomplishments, dads! But hey guys …… Read More

Growing skin: A completely disgusting metaphor on healing your life

I burnt the heck out of my knuckles the other week. I was making gravy at the time. I was happy with how it was coming out for a change. I finally learned my mom’s secret for making it nice and smooth, rather than having to chase flour balls around the pan and squish them like foodie cockroaches before we sit down at the table … Anyway, I was ladling the gravy out of the pan into the “gravy boat” (which, in my house, is designed to look just like… Read More

It’s National Moody and Difficult Day

Today I have decided to be moody and difficult. It’s a good day for it. I have a nasty eye infection. It’s gross. My eyes were spewing out all kinds of spoogey gunk all weekend. They burn. For the last three days, I haven’t been able to open my left eye when I wake up in the morning because it’s been spooged shut. I hate to admit that it was a great excuse to stay the hell home today. People have called. I haven’t answered. I’m too busy being moody… Read More