A Big Life Announcement

A Big Life Announcement

white house

Sometimes in life, opportunities appear in unexpected places. A job, a home, or a life partner you never would’ve picked for yourself suddenly enters your orbit and BOOM! You know you have to say yes. Your life trajectory takes a turn. There’s no looking back.

With that in mind, I’d like to announce that I have decided to permanently change careers, effective immediately. I will be giving up my writing business so I can assume the role of White House Chief of Staff.

As there’s not a long line for this job right now, I don’t think it will be hard to secure the position. However, I have devised a plan just in case.

I intend to pull up to the McDonald’s nearest 1600 Pennsylvania Ave., load up my back seat with as many Big Mac Super Value Meals as it will hold, and then drive on over to the White House. I assume they have standing orders to admit all McDonald’s deliveries, so getting in should be no problem.

Before I go inside the White House, I will open one Big Mac and penetrate it with my finger. I will then smear Big Mac jizz behind each ear before I meet the President. Subliminally, this will signal to him that I am a person who is desirable, even though I’m over 40, have no boob job, and I know how to spell things.

Then, using the “anchoring” technique popularized by Tony Robbins, I will introduce myself while simultaneously shoving a greasy Big Mac into his greasy face. This will have the impact of him associating my name with a pleasurable activity. We will repeat this exercise at least 5-6 times, at which point I expect he will start feeding himself while saying my name over and over.

Is this a pleasant plan? No. I don’t relish the idea of hearing President Trump moan my name under any circumstances, never mind with a mouth of chewed-up beef. I expect that I’ll be showered with sesame seeds, burger grease, and fascism. But seizing a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity requires sacrifice. It has become abundantly clear that working for Trump requires sacrificing all dignity and self respect. That I can do.

Why do I want this job? If I’ve learned anything over the past two weeks it’s this: Grab power by whatever means necessary. Do the dirty backroom deal. Get blood on your hands. You don’t have to be the smartest person in the room (or even smart at all, in fact), you just have to BE in the room. From there, you can make oceans rise and empires fall …

Someday they will tell my story. It will start like this: “I’ll have 150 Big Mac Extra Value Meals, please …”

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New-age smartass.

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