A Warm, Weird, and Belated Happy New Year Greeting

A Warm, Weird, and Belated Happy New Year Greeting

family photo

Hi bloggy friends. I emailed this out to a bunch of people at the beginning of the month, but I’m terrible about managing my email contacts (AND GMAIL IS NO HELP!) so I missed a whole bunch of people. I also wanted to send some greetings to all of my readers, so I figured I’d post this here. (This has been on my to-do list for about 18 days now. But I guess that’s how I roll …)

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Hello to old friends, new friends, family, readers of my weirdo blog, and random former business associates and customer service representatives who are receiving this email by accident because your email has remained in my address book for so many years! I hope this holiday season was warm, cheerful, and full of festive festivities that left you feeling as contented as the characters at the end of a holiday rom-com movie titled Christmas Puppy Prince Comes Home! 

Did you get our Christmas card this year? It’s the one with the delightfully attractive family … you know, the smiling kids and the proud mom and dad against a beautiful, we’re-cold-but-all-this-family-love-is-keeping-us-warm backdrop. Even the dog was smiling. It was also pine-scented (the card, not the dog). Honestly, it was one of our best. I hope that receiving our warm wishes enhanced your holiday. 

No? You didn’t get it? Weird. Once again, my new-agey powers of manifestation remain completely flummoxed when it comes to barfing out a couple of holiday cards and some stamps. (Is it the stamps that are hanging me up? Paper PLUS glue … I mean, are they an adhesive or a paper product? I think I may have just identified the problem.) 

If you’ve had the inclination to hunt down our third new address in the past five years, please know that we certainly enjoyed receiving each of your cards. Next year will most-definitely be the year that we reciprocate. (Look, 2019 totally rocks already!) In the meantime, if you haven’t taken down your holiday cards yet, feel free to print out the attached photo and display it with your other cards. According to Google, it’s the perfect family photo. That should tide you over until next year. 

In any case, I just wanted to take a moment while it’s still officially the holiday season (for a few more hours, at least!) to reach out and send our regards. Wait! Not “regards.” Phooey on “regards.” That sounds so stiff and formal. Dudes, we are sending straight-on LOVE your way. Why not? This world can be a cold and lonely place. We’ve got love to give and we’re giving it to you. Yes, even to you Mr. Goodyear Customer Service Rep who just declined our rebate. Have some love, tire dude! Enjoy! (And then get back to us about our 80 bucks, please.)

We hope everyone had as lovely a holiday as we did. Ours was very nearly like a holiday movie. “Nearly” being the key word. 

Early in December, Joe and I watched The Family Stone. Have you seen? It’s one of those sweet family dramas where all the grown children come home to the family homestead for the holidays and then worlds collide! Hijinks ensue! And shit gets real! (Obviously, the three necessary ingredients for any movie worth your viewing time.) Anyway, as we sat on the couch watching this family come together, we talked about the day that might happen for us … all the kids under one roof for the holidays. Wouldn’t it be so nice and cozy? But since some of Joe’s kids are grown and we both have custody schedules to adhere to, this seemed like a longshot.

And then, my new-agey powers of manifestation were like “Hello, what? You want the universe to hurtle nine different people toward your house on the same night? That may be doable. Wait … are there any stamps involved? No? Then let’s DO THIS!”

And then POOF. Everyone was here. My kids. Joe’s kids. Joe’s two grown stepkids, one of whom doesn’t even live in America, and Joe’s soon-to-be step son-in-law. (I put all that “step” stuff in there for clarification purposes only. Joe just calls them all his kids. Blended-family life, people … it can be confusing.)

We were TOTALLY LIVING A CHRISTMAS MOVIE! I did a quick inventory to see if we had all the crucial ingredients.

Worlds collide: Check! All those people under one roof? Two surly teenagers, one American ex-pat home for the holidays, professional adult people sleeping on air mattresses,  … I mean, checkity, check, check. 

Shit gets real: Check! Joe and I are both divorced. If you think either of us is ever getting through a holiday without shit getting real at one or several points, then I envy your sheltered life. (I am now mentally sending you back to bed with your cup, CindyLou Who.)

Now all I needed to do was sit back and wait for hijinks to ensue! And there was so much potential! Until …

The AAA guy ruined everything.

So here’s what happened. One of our overnight visitors locked his keys in his trunk while packing the car. And it was really at the worst-possible time because guests were showing up but other people were leaving and the food was about 30 minutes from hitting the table so sooo many kitchen things were going on.

The tension was high. AAA was called. Other rides were hastily arranged. Words were said.   

I have to say that, as a connoisseur of awkward moments, I had to pause for just a moment to take it all in. It was just too perfect. Everything was stacking up beautifully.

While we were waiting for AAA, we decided to go out front and get a family photo. Joe set up his tripod and had his fancy camera on a timer. He was just about to click the button and jump into the photo when the AAA van pulled up. I yelled over, “We’ll be done in a second! It’s that one!” I pointed to the car.

And then, get this. The AAA guy walked over to the driveway and started working on the car. He retrieved the keys while we finished the photo and then he left.

I just stood there like WHAT? Had this guy never seen a Christmas movie? 

Any delivery guy/cable repairman/plumber summoned to a holiday celebration is obligated to contribute to holiday hijinks. This guy did not back in to Joe’s tripod. He did not accidentally get in our family photo while he repeatedly interrupted us with inane questions … he also had the nerve to not be anyone’s long-lost, but much-pined-for former high school boyfriend who was just trying to make some extra money over the holidays but who then winds up having Christmas dinner with us and rekindling an old romance which was, obviously, just meant to be. The nerve!

I guess there’s always next year.

Wishing you and yours lots of happy hijinks in the coming year.

Regards,

LOVE,

Trish, Joe, and the many people we collectively call our children

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Writer/blogger.
Philosopher/raconteur.
New-age smartass.

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