Posts by Trish

This Day Will Be Different

I got up early to write this morning—not too long after five. Maybe 5:20 or so. I love a quiet house. I love the distraction-free time early in the morning when I have a gentle little bubble of time in which to think thoughts and then type words before all the stuff of the day begins pecking at my head. I slunk out of the bedroom in the dark and went into the bathroom to weigh myself. I started Weight Watchers yesterday, so naturally the pounds should just start melting… Read More

True Story

I was looking for a stock photo of an iPhone. The woman in this picture looks so much like me I decided to go with it. #twinning  True story: Me: Hey Siri, set a timer for 10 minutes. Siri: For how long? Me: TENNNNN MINNNNUTTTTES. Siri: Calling [Name of ex-husband’s new wife, whom I blocked two years ago after she wouldn’t stop texting me over a schedule dispute.] Me (after furiously ending call): Hey Siri, thanks a lot. Siri: Playing Borat   I seriously think someone reprogrammed my phone to… Read More

My Very, Very Guilty Confession of When I Enabled Harassment

Trigger warning for harassment. (Obviously.) This Kavanaugh hearing … I’ve been ready to throw a brick through a window for days. But in addition the anger, I keep feeling guilt. Because one time one of my friends got sexually harassed and I handled it all wrong. You know what I did? I stayed friendly with the dude for a long time … even after he harassed other friends … until, of course, he tried to harass me. I’m not going to share my friend’s incident because it’s not mine to… Read More

Stuff my Husband Loses

Joe loses his keys constantly. And his wallet. And sometimes his phone. It’s hilarious. Except that whenever this happens, he turns into a vile, snarling, doom-creature and stomps around the house yelling that his keys/wallet/phone are missing … and that is usually followed up by some blanket declarations about how we need PLACES to put our STUFF. The dramatics of these episodes would lead you to believe that he wants help looking for his keys. Stomping. Yelling. Going up and down the stairs and out to the car 84 billion… Read More

Hookers are the Only Consummate Professionals

Note to everyone in the whole world: If you’re ever asked to give a recommendation, do not say that someone is a consummate professional. Everyone says this. Everyone. If you’re recommending someone, of course you think they’re really good at being professional in whatever field you’re in. Otherwise, why are you bothering? The bar of what you need to explain is not that low. “MaryJane is a consummate professional. What I mean by that is that she will usually show up on time and she will usually be fully dressed…. Read More

Insomnia is my Kryptonite

I challenge you to name three things that are more annoying than having your shorts crawl up between your thighs while you’re walking down the street to go to a coffee shop … and then having to try to arrest the crawl-up by changing your gait. Like you try to have your thigh meat sort of shove the shorts back toward earth while you’re continuing to walk, but also without looking like you’re doing anything too weird (Oh! Is that a car behind me? I should twist around and look!)… Read More