Stuff my Husband Loses

Joe loses his keys constantly. And his wallet. And sometimes his phone. It’s hilarious. Except that whenever this happens, he turns into a vile, snarling, doom-creature and stomps around the house yelling that his keys/wallet/phone are missing … and that is usually followed up by some blanket declarations about how we need PLACES to put our STUFF. The dramatics of these episodes would lead you to believe that he wants help looking for his keys. Stomping. Yelling. Going up and down the stairs and out to the car 84 billion… Read More

Hookers are the Only Consummate Professionals

Note to everyone in the whole world: If you’re ever asked to give a recommendation, do not say that someone is a consummate professional. Everyone says this. Everyone. If you’re recommending someone, of course you think they’re really good at being professional in whatever field you’re in. Otherwise, why are you bothering? The bar of what you need to explain is not that low. “MaryJane is a consummate professional. What I mean by that is that she will usually show up on time and she will usually be fully dressed…. Read More

Insomnia is my Kryptonite

I challenge you to name three things that are more annoying than having your shorts crawl up between your thighs while you’re walking down the street to go to a coffee shop … and then having to try to arrest the crawl-up by changing your gait. Like you try to have your thigh meat sort of shove the shorts back toward earth while you’re continuing to walk, but also without looking like you’re doing anything too weird (Oh! Is that a car behind me? I should twist around and look!)… Read More

Pooping Out a Blog Post … Not Quite Literally, but Almost

Today was the first full day back from vacation. Do I have to just stop vacation eating? Because I gotta say, I was thoroughly enjoying eating with abandon for an entire week. Like, right now I want pizza for dinner. A lot of it. We had pizza twice on vacation. But now I want it again. (A lot of it. Did I say that already?) But here’s what else is going on … I started a colon cleanse last night. Remember that Colon Blow commercial on SNL many years ago?… Read More

Changing Habits One Vacation at a Time

Hey! We’re on vacation! It’s our last full day and it’s raining. Secretly, I’m sorta happy about the rain. I’m happy to have an excuse to sit around and be lazy and drink wine during the day and type things to all of you. Also, one of us (my youngest stepdaughter) probably has mono. Seriously. Two visits to the urgent care this week and finally she’s on a prescription, but she needs a mono test when we get home. So that has changed the trajectory of our vacay a bit…. Read More

I Didn’t Clean up for You

Hi. Welcome to my new blog design. It’s a mess. There’s stuff that’s broken. There’s stuff that looks WTF? But whatever. Here we are. Since my blog is sort of home for me, let’s pretend I just moved and you’re visiting me while my house is full of boxes. I’ll get to all of it eventually … or at least most of it. Anyway, I’m not going to wait to invite to invite you over until my house/blog is spotless. Life is for living, not for creating a lifestyle brand… Read More