Random Randomocity

I Am Not a Good Person

November 13, 2018 / 0 Comments

OK. So. Yes. I do see the dog barf on the floor. But I’m pretending … just for the moment … that I do not see it. OK. So. Joe just walked in. I had just typed the sentence above when he entered the room. I turned the laptop toward him so he could read…

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A Quick Entry Followed By a Long One

November 8, 2018 / 0 Comments

Hi all. I am whooped today. And pooped. And those two words look like they should rhyme, yet they don’t. Today I am feeling utterly overwhelmed. My mom is in the hospital — and she’s totally fine, thanks to amazing medical science and fantastic doctors. But that is what the last two and a half…

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Very fit woman holding an iPhone

True Story

October 11, 2018 / 1 Comment

I was looking for a stock photo of an iPhone. The woman in this picture looks so much like me I decided to go with it. #twinning  True story: Me: Hey Siri, set a timer for 10 minutes. Siri: For how long? Me: TENNNNN MINNNNUTTTTES. Siri: Calling [Name of ex-husband’s new wife, whom I blocked…

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Hookers are the Only Consummate Professionals

August 10, 2018 / 0 Comments

Note to everyone in the whole world: If you’re ever asked to give a recommendation, do not say that someone is a consummate professional. Everyone says this. Everyone. If you’re recommending someone, of course you think they’re really good at being professional in whatever field you’re in. Otherwise, why are you bothering? The bar of…

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Things You Should Not Do Today

October 24, 2017 / 0 Comments

Let’s be cranky this morning shall we? Here’s a list of things you should not do today: Come downstairs after rolling out of bed, give me the onceover (in my too-big jeans, baseball cap, and sweatshirt that I threw in the dark so I could take a kid to school in the rain) and declare “That’s…

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All I Do Is Yell and Now I’m Yelling About This

September 27, 2017 / 2 Comments

You know when you wake up with a mostly empty pizza box in your bed? Like, the self loathing is definitely there but it’s way overshadowed by “Awww yeah … THAT was a party …” That’s pretty much how I feel about the fact that I’ve watched the entirety of 30 Rock at least three…

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About Me


New-age smartass.

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