Insomnia: The Only Thing Standing Between Me and Being ‘Normal?’

Insomnia: The Only Thing Standing Between Me and Being ‘Normal?’

So let’s address the title right away. Is that true? Probably not. But it’s fun to think that there might be just ONE thing in the way of me functioning like a regular adult human.

I slept last night. The whole night. It was the first time that’s happened in a while. I woke up about two minutes before the alarm was supposed to go off. I felt clear-headed. Alert. I asked myself What is this weird feeling I’m feeling? Is it … hope?

What brought about this miraculous experience? Drugs, people. Ambien and I have decided to get re-acquainted.

Four years ago, I got hit over the head with the insomnia stick. Actually, more like POUNDED over the head. Months of barely sleeping. Months of existing on less and less and less sleep every night until, finally, I cracked. There was a day when I couldn’t stop crying. My heart was doing weird things and I thought I might be having a heart attack at age 44. Shit was getting real in the realest of ways.

So I went to the doctor and got all the things checked and got me some Ambien at the same time. And then I started sleeping again. After a few months, I weaned myself off and I felt OK. I still had some insomnia, but it wasn’t crushing me the way it had been. I found a sleep aid/supplement that worked well for me, and I just tried to make sure I always had some in the house.

But these past two weeks? Awful. So now Ambien and I are a thing again. This morning I realized that waking up after a good night’s sleep is SOOOOOOOO different than waking up any other morning. It makes we wonder if my regular sleep quality is terrible to begin with. Could my ADD be rooted in terrible sleep? A question for another time. (And probably.) (But not entirely.)

This morning I was on a rest-induced high. I got up before everyone else. I meditated for 10 minutes using this cool audio thing that comes free with my Audible subscription. Then I did a 15-minute yoga class, again, using a free thing from my Audible account. (While unable to sleep the other night, I had the brilliant idea to scroll down in my Audible app. There’s a boatload of free stuff for members that I didn’t realize was there. I’m perpetually late to every party.)

A screenshot of the Audible app showing free sections in news and meditation and fitness
Look at the free stuff on my Audible app! Who knew?

I boiled some eggs while I journaled and had coffee. I straightened up. (I know some people are cleaning and doing home reno while sweating out this quarantine, but we’ve decided to adopt the let-everything-go-to-shit strategy. ) I dared to wonder if all of this disruption and upheaval might provide an opportunity to explore a new normal, in which I’m able to keep some damn kind of schedule for a change. Because if I can sleep, anything is possible, y’all.

Hey friends, hope you’re all doing well out there. I know a lot of people are struggling with sleep and all kinds of other things at the moment. Beaming good health and sanity your way. Take care of yourselves, OK?

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