Note: This post is part of my series on procrastination and ADD/ADHD. To start at the beginning, go here.
Once again, I’ve started so many blog posts and not published them. Why? Because I’m exactly that kind of asshole, that’s why.
However, my multiple therapists (more on that in a minute) say that I’m not supposed to beat myself up so much. I’m supposed to be kind to myself. Treat myself how I would treat anyone else that I loved. So … this damaging self talk that I’m displaying here needs to go.
Let’s try to reframe this.
Hey, Trish … it’s totally awesome that you, once again, fell down on the job. Good for you. You’re awesome at starting things. You’re the Queen of Starting Projects. If someone needs something started, you’re the go-to girl! Why is finishing stuff such a goal for everyone anyway? If it’s finished, then it’s OVER. Once it’s over, you can’t look forward to it anymore. Remaining in a constant state of un-doneness means that you always have a project going … and who doesn’t love that? Now why don’t you go eat some baked goods as a reward for starting this blog post?
Holy Lord. I’m terrible at this. I think I need to reply to myself before we move on. Hi, self. Your snarky, fake encouragement has been noted. And quit enabling the baked goods addiction. You know I’m on Weight Watchers!
And now I’m fighting with myself. Excellent.
A few weeks ago, one of my therapists told me that I wasn’t allowed to judge myself all weekend. I was like “What on earth will I do instead? That’s a lot of time to fill.” Another therapist challenged me to look at what I’m getting out of constantly disparaging myself. If I’m doing it so much I must be benefiting in some way, he said.
I couldn’t think of anything. And then I had a mini-breakthrough: Beating myself up is the best form of procrastination ever. Because if I stopped beating myself up … I’d have to just sit down and DO THE WORK.
Meet Team Trish!
Let me backtrack and explain the multiple therapists.
I didn’t mean to have three, but apparently I’ve been collecting them over the past few months. I didn’t even notice that I had three until the other day when I was scheduling appointments.
Therapist #1 – The Life Coach
The first one is not a therapist, per se. In her human form, she is a life coach … like, that’s how she presents to other humans so she doesn’t freak them out. In fact, she is an angel sent here to earth to keep me from ruining myself. Her name is Trish Omoqui (or “Other Trish,” as I like to call her) and I’ve quoted her a million times here on this blog. I’ve known Trish for years and right now we’re working together on her upcoming book. We’ve bartered some life coaching as part of the payment.
That means that a couple of times a month, I get to spend a whole hour whining to Trish about the state of my life and then she says wise things like, “The only thing keeping you from peace at any time is your thoughts. You can choose to think different thoughts and feel better right now.”
And then I want to whack myself in the forehead because she’s totally right and I already knew that but I forgot. I forget a lot.
Therapist #2 – The Actual Therapist
The second therapist is actually a real therapist. He’s a psychologist and I have to see him a few times before I can graduate to seeing a psychiatrist (if I want to) who can potentially prescribe some ADD meds.
I wasn’t sure about this therapist at first. I can be pretty dominant in a conversation (no, really). And yes, as the patient, I realize that I’m supposed to do a lot of talking, but he was hanging back so much that I wasn’t sure anything meaningful was going to come out of our sessions … but then he busted out some observations that I thought were pretty insightful. For example, he said “I’m sensing quite a bit of rebellion in you.”
Well done, Mr. Therapist. Well done.
Anyway, this therapist says that I’m presenting with a whole bunch of symptoms typical of ADD. We’re trying some techniques to tackle some of my issues before moving onto meds. I’m fine with this. I’m still not sure how I feel about meds. I’m not anti-med, I’m just not sure I want meds myself. Plus, my past experience with meds has been pretty crappy.
One of the strategies I’m trying is sticking to a schedule. I’ve tried this in the past and I’m terrible at it. But we’ve purposely kept the schedule bare-bones and have acknowledged that I will fail a lot in the beginning but that I will be a big girl about it and course correct.
See that note at the top of this blog post? That’s to remind me to check my schedule every day. Because usually what happens is that I make a schedule and then I think I remember it so well that I don’t need to check it. And then the whole thing goes out the window. So I wanted to remind myself that YES, I DO NEED TO CHECK THE SCHEDULE. (Side note: I haven’t checked it even once in an entire week. I’m not proud of this.)
Therapist #3 – The Energy Healer
And then we have therapist #3, who is also a credentialed therapist. But guess what else she is? An energy healer. You guys … how cool is that? That is resonating with my inner hippie.
I’ve never gone to an energy healer before, which I actually find shocking because it totally seems like a thing I would’ve done by now. But anyway … here we are. This woman came onto my radar screen around the same time that Other Trish was telling me about a powerful experience she’d had with energy work and I decided that that synchronicity clearly meant that I was supposed to go make an appointment.
I had my first sesh yesterday. It was really interesting and my mind was totally blown about one thing she said … which I will tell you tomorrow. So stay tuned.
Dear Baby Jesus in Heaven,
Please help me write another blog post tomorrow that delivers on the promise I just made. Please help me follow through like a good little Trish instead of blowing it off like a bad little Trish … doh! There’s that judgment again! There’s no good or bad. There just IS, right? Something like that? I’m saying these words yet I’m not sure what they mean.
In any case, help me be nicer to myself. Is “nice” a judgment? I don’t know. Maybe it’s just a description. What’s the difference between a judgment and a description? I’m so confused by all of this.
I have the honor to be your obedient servant,
T. Sam
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