I have recently been terrorized by something diablolical: my own thoughts. Let me explain.

In February I mostly wrote about … getting up in the mornings. And now that we are well into March I’ve been finding that I go to bed at night going “What am I going to write about in the morning?” And then I wake up going “What am I going to write about today?” And if wake up to pee in the middle of the night, it’s “What am I going to write about in the morning, which is now only several hours away?”

This is all gives me so much anxiety. And it’s really stupid anxiety. Because none of this matters at all … it’s just a thing I want to do.

My personal torture chamber

So in March, what’s mostly been happening is that I get up and then I torture myself.

It’s like the writer equivalent of getting up, going to the gym and then being paralyzed with options at the front door. I should do the elliptical first. Cardio then weight training. But maybe I’d wake up a bit more if I did the weight training first and then the cardio would be easier? Should I do the free weights or the machines? The machines are intimidating. I’ll probably do them wrong and people will look at me and … oh wait … they probably won’t because now I’m at that age where I’m invisible and people don’t notice me anymore because women over a certain age hold no value …. that’s a shitty thought, Trish. Are you really going to buy into that damaging narrative? Let’s be better than that, mmmkay? OK, so weights. Maybe free weights. I know how to use them. But we can be brave, right, Trishypants? We can learn new things. Won’t it feel great to get over the learning curve on some of these machines? Or well, actually, it’s probably better to just go ahead and do the cardio first and get it out of the way …

Can anyone relate to this at all? Or am I the only asshole who spends every minute of life like this?

Here’s the plan

All of this leads me to two things that I want to tell you:

The first thing is that I need a plan. I need to remove some options about what I want to do here, because ALL THE OPTIONS are wonderful, except they paralyze me with indecision.

So here’s what I’m going to do: I’m going to pick a theme every month and spend the month writing about it. That way when I get up, I’ll have a topic. And that way, I can allow my brain to ruminate in a more-focused way throughout the month. It’s like giving my brain a little chew toy to slobber all over. My brain likes a good chew toy. It also enjoys slobbering.

The second thing I want to tell you about is this month’s theme: procrastination. And attention deficit disorder.

Fuuuuck! That’s two topics, Trish! Are you messing this up already?

Actually, I don’t think so. These two topics go together for me like matches and kerosene.

The (of course) unfinished procrastination experiment

What’s truly hilarious is that I started a blog series on procrastination in 2016. At the end of every post, I would type out a prayer to God to actually help me FINISH the series and power me through to the next post.

God did his/her/its part, but I’m so adept at procrastination that I found a way around God. Can you dig that? I found a way around the primordial forces of the Universe.

Back then, I wrote two posts and I published them. And there was a third post that was all but finished. I just never posted it. So that meant that I never got to the next prayer beseeching the Almighty God of Blog Posts to power me through to the next one.

When I opened that third draft post recently and saw that it was NEARLY DONE I had to take a pause and behold the splendor of my powers. That’s some high-level foot dragging right there.

You know what’s even better? I tortured myself for about a year after I started that series because I never finished it. And the longer I waited, the harder it seemed to go back.

So I’m going back now. I am the supreme lordess of this URL, so I shall do as I please.

Just a warning before we begin: This may seem like a no-big-deal topic on the surface, but it’s actually some of the hardest subject matter I’ve ever tackled. This is the topic that is letting you all root through the deep, dark, grody recesses of my brain. It’s vulnerable stuff and I don’t look like a hero in any of it. And I’ll tell you what … I really love looking a hero.

So that’s what’s in store, campers. Tomorrow, we dive into the deep underbelly of my brain. My brain belly, if you will. See you then.

And now, a prayer ...

Dear God,

Hi! Remember me? Remember all of this? Of course you do. I was joking. I know that you’re cool with me joking because you invented humor so … ha ha. And this whole situation? Pretty humorous. Good one.

I guess it also stands to reason that you invented my brain, which often feels mightily out-of-alignment in today’s world. Apparently there’s a premium put on doing things. Finishing things. Gathering ye rosebuds while ye may … when I’d rather sort of wander around the field ogling all the flowers but not actually picking any. I like them where they are. I don’t want to pick them.

Anyway, could you help me out with blog series the next few weeks? Help me write honest posts, help me get real, and help me to hit publish and then get up and start the next one. Please don’t allow me to find creative ways to wriggle out of this arrangement again. Not to brag or anything, but I overpowered you on this one last time. Unless, of course, that was your plan in the first place. This is all very confusing.

All for now.

I have the honor to be your obedient servant,

T. Sam*

*Yes, that’s a Hamilton reference. While I’m asking for stuff, how about some Hamilton tickets this year? Thanks so much.