Have you heard? Gwyneth Paltrow claims that she is the reason so many people do yoga.
May I quote? I must:
“Forgive me if this comes out wrong,” Paltrow continued, “but I went to do a yoga class in L.A. recently and the 22-year-old girl behind the counter was like, ‘Have you ever done yoga before?’ And literally I turned to my friend, and I was like, ‘You have this job because I’ve done yoga before.’”
That’s from a recent article in the Wall Street Journal magazine.
And I was like, Hey! Remember when I did yoga before I even knew who Gwyneth Paltrow was? Hey! Remember when I consciously uncoupled before Gwyneth did (but without the douchey “conscious uncoupling” terminology)?
So I’m pretty sure that I’m setting trends and then she’s just following me and claiming credit.
So here’s a list of other things that are popular because I started liking them first and then Gwyneth, a.k.a. Trish-wannabe, started shooting off her farty mouth about them.
1. Turning down chick-flick roles because … LAME!
How Gwyneth copied: “Even actresses that you really admire, like Reese Witherspoon, you think, ‘Another romantic comedy?’ You see her in something like Walk the Line and think, ‘God, you’re so great!’ And then you think, ‘Why is she doing these stupid romantic comedies?’ But of course, it’s for money and status.”
When was the last time you saw me in a chick flick? You can’t even remember. That’s ‘cuz I’m a #trendsetter.
2. Using my vagina for storage.
Gwyneth puts jade eggs in hers.
Honestly, I have no idea what’s in mine. Could be anything. After my 20s, I just assume that I’m pretty much a walking pawn shop.
Note to self: Try to visit one of those cash-for-gold places soon.
3. Not caring what people think about you.
Here’s Gwyneth pontificating: “I don’t hold on to fear as much as I used to, because I’ve learned a lot about genuinely not caring what strangers think about me. It’s very liberating. It’s very empowering, and I’ve learned a lot of that from Jay—Shawn Carter—Z, because his approach to life is very internal. It’s a very good lesson to learn.”
Oh, let’s see … have I ever talked about this? Have you read Why I Don’t Care If Your Like Me? I bet Gwyneth has.
4. Being friends with Beyonce and Jay-Z.
Let’s just say some of us don’t have to go around name dropping about it.
5. Eating vegetables.
I’m 8 months and 1 week older than Gwyneth. Pretty sure I was onto veggies while she was still on formula.
6. Blowing off the stupid, boring, too-hot Met Gala.
And here she goes: “I’m never going again. It was so un-fun. It was boiling. It was too crowded. I did not enjoy it at all.”
Dudes, you will never catch my ass at that shit show. And I haven’t gone for, like, years. All the years, in fact.
7. Sleeping with Brad Pitt.
8. Knowing everything.
Witness Goopie talking about a hike in Sedona: “I’ll never forget it. I was starting to hike up the red rocks, and honestly, it was as if I heard the rock say: ‘You have the answers. You are your teacher.’ I thought I was having an auditory hallucination.”
I can’t even tell you how many times in my life I’ve been called a know-it-all. Mostly by people. See how she tries to pretend she’s not copying by saying that a rock said it? Nice try.
9. Understanding that Europe is not the United States.
Behold the brilliance: “It is so different from the United States. It seemed to have a history, and the buildings are years and years and years old. Here in the United States an old building is about 17 (years old), and over there it’s from 500 B.C., it’s incredible.”
Hello? I’ve known this my entire life.
10. Being a human female.
Let’s hear her one last time: “I’m incredibly close to the common woman in that I’m a woman and I’m a mother. We all are in a physical body with beating hearts, with compassion and love. We are all seekers, we all want questions, we all want fulfillment, we want to live our best lives. We want to be healthy and happy and squeeze the most that we can out of life. I think that’s all women.”
Do I have to say it again? I was born in January 1972. She was born in September 1972. Who was a human female first? Me. This one’s just math.
So what’s next for Gwyneth?
Maybe a better question is “What’s next for Trish?”
In order to protect my intellectual property, I feel the need to state right now that if she starts talking about crotchless flannel pants to help maintain relationship intimacy through the winter months, IT WAS MY IDEA FIRST.