So I guess I’m a slut.

A dirty, skanky, nasty slut.

Why do I say this?

Because I’m having sex. No, not at this exact moment while I’m sitting here typing, but I am having sex sometimes. You know, in my free time. By choice rather than by obligation. Like a hobby.

And … I’m not married.

Whore.

Tattoo it on my forehead.

Let’s play pretend!

I guess I’m confused. The last few months of The Great Vagina Debate in the political world have left me baffled for many, many reasons.

My main question is this: When did we go back to whatever fictitious era it was when all women were supposed to be non-sexual? Did I miss this time-machine ride?

Did I miss it when they passed out the Kool-Aid that made so many people decide to play along with the farce that a woman having sex outside of marriage is scandalous?

Flukin’ it for all the world to see

My fellow slut, Sandra Fluke, spoke last night at the DNC.

I missed it because I was busy whoring it up at my daughter’s back-to-school night. Then I came home and got busy on the kitchen table (you know, helping her with her homework) and then I was tired from slutting around all day so I went to bed.

But I looked up the text of her speech this morning. The Washington Post carried it. The first reader comment was this:

“So what are the sl*t’s qualifications again? What made her worthy of the national scene? ”

Yeah. Slut. 

Me and Sandra.

Going Limbaugh on your slutty ass

Before I wrote this, I made the mistake of googling Rush Limbaugh’s original statements about Sandra Fluke. Remember, she testified before Congress that her Catholic university should cover contraception in its health insurance plan.

IMPORTANT NOTE: She did NOT, as Rush seemed to think, ask for taxpayers to pay for her birth control. She simply wanted contraception included in the health insurance coverage that she already paid for.

Here are Rush’s comments:

What does it say about the college co-ed Susan Fluke [sic], who goes before a congressional committee and essentially says that she must be paid to have sex, what does that make her? It makes her a slut, right? It makes her a prostitute. She wants to be paid to have sex. She’s having so much sex she can’t afford the contraception. She wants you and me and the taxpayers to pay her to have sex. What does that make us? We’re the pimps. (interruption) The johns? We would be the johns? No! We’re not the johns. (interruption) Yeah, that’s right. Pimp’s not the right word. Okay, so she’s not a slut. She’s “round heeled”. I take it back.

Can you imagine if you’re her parents how proud of Sandra Fluke you would be? Your daughter goes up to a congressional hearing conducted by the Botox-filled Nancy Pelosi and testifies she’s having so much sex she can’t afford her own birth control pills and she agrees that Obama should provide them, or the Pope.

If that ticked you off, you’ll really blow a gasket over this ignorant cartoon by another clearly well-informed big mouth. (P.S. cartoonist guy: Birth control pills cost $50 a month last time I had to shell out for them — not the $9 a month you claim.)

Rush may not be running for office, but let’s face it: You and I and especially HE knows who’s shaping the conservative rhetoric. That jackass has a lot of power.

Why get married once when you can do it four times?

So, let’s see here. From what I can tell online, Rush has been married four times. With his clear disdain for sluts, does that mean we can assume that Rush managed to find and marry four virgins?

Impressive.

Also impressive: He supposedly dated one of his wives for THREE YEARS before tying the not.

Dude, that is a LONG time to not get laid. Poor Rush. That must have been hard. (Or maybe not, which might explain the three years of celibacy.)

And, let’s see. He also thinks that Sandra Fluke is having so much sex that she can’t afford to pay for birth control herself. Apparently Rush has no idea how birth control pills work. (Pssst … you have to take them every day whether you have sex once a month or 300 times a month. It’s not like popping an Altoid — or a Viagra — before you get laid.)

So, yeah. It’s totally awesome that this uninformed thrice-divorced virgin hunter is shaping the debate on birth control.

What’s next? Someone saying that a woman can block pregnancy by sheer force of will?

Psst … women: Remember, act like we don’t like it

I got married at 30. So, no, I wasn’t exactly a virgin when I took the White Walk down the aisle (even though I told my mom I was and I desperately tried to get her to give me the sex talk before the big day — she refused).

I was married for 8 years. I guess during that time I was absolved of the slut label because I was having sex with someone I was married to.

But now I’m 40. I’m a single mother. And I’m having sex.

Let me rephrase that: I’m 40. I’m a single mother. And I’m having sex, motherfuckers!

And I’m goddamn proud of it!

Sex is totally fun. Sex puts you in a good mood. Sex can even be good for your health.

I’m not sure that I’ll ever get married again. But I’m not quite ready to swear off sex yet. And I shouldn’t have to.

Dum dum dee dum

I’ve been to ONE wedding in my adult life where the bride was a virgin.

ONE.

It was someone I didn’t know. The bride was a friend of my boyfriend at the time — yeah, my boyfriend whom I was totally boning. Or was he boning me? Can a chick bone someone? Anyway, suffice it to say that there was boning going on. But not by the bride. By me. Because I’m a slut.

Anyway, the bride’s virginity was ALL anyone could talk about at the reception. Like, totally, that was IT.

Poor girl. Funny, no one mentioned the groom’s virginity or lack thereof.

I should find out if they’re still married. (Hey: Ex-boyfriend guy: You reading this? Are they still married? Lemme know.)

So I have some questions for the people who have agreed to play along with this little Limbaugh slut fantasy:

Are you married? Were you a virgin until your wedding night? My guess is that you probably banged someone before the big day. And yes, it still counts even if it was the person you eventually married. (Limbaugh’s America leaves little room for subtleties. Sorry.) Welcome to the Slut Club. 

What about your sister? Was she a virgin? Your best friend? Your (gasp!) daughter? Were they all virgins? What about your son? He totally got laid before the big day, didn’t he?

Wow. You know a LOT of sluts.

Latex love for everybody!

So now I’d like to address Rush and the rest of the buffoons who are going around quoting him.

You don’t want to give people access to affordable birth control. You don’t want people to have abortions. You sure as hell don’t wanna pay for any welfare/food stamps/Headstart programs/affordable housing for any babies born to poor babymommas.

But let’s be real here: People are going to continue having perverted, slutty, disgraceful sex. People are crazy that way!

So what’s the solution?

It’s very simple, really.

And men of the world, congratulations! The answer is in your hands.

Or in your pants.

WEAR CONDOMS.

Oh, and you can buy them yourselves. Are they expensive? I don’t really care because I’m not buying them. I’m sure you can find some coupons online somewhere.

Or just drop by Planned Parenthood where they give them out for free.

A guy  friend once told me that wearing a condom is like wearing a raincoat in the shower. But hey guys, you can do it for the greater good, can’tcha?

You say condoms are uncomfortable and yucky? Maybe for you.  As for the sluts you’re banging, we can hardly tell whether you’re wearing them or not. No skin off our hoo-hahs!

But really. What am I saying? You shouldn’t be inconvenienced like that now should you?

Hmmm … If only there were a pill that you could ingest every day that would completely fuck with your hormones, your complexion, your weight, your sex drive and your cancer risk … but you know, it would keep you from procreating.

Plus, it’s going to cost you about $50 a month for your trouble.

That too much to ask?

_____

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