Yes, yes, yes. It’s time. You know you sorta hate resolutions but you also sorta can’t help yourself. So here are my big plans for 2010.
- Gain no more than 15 pounds before January 14. (I like to start with something achievable.)
- Change underwear every day.
- First thing every morning, no matter what the weather, get sneakers on, go outside and steal neighbors’ mail in order to intercept personal checks.
- Get you-know-who to stop doing you-know-what you-know-where.
- Perpetrate international hoax, on par with Loch Ness Monster, crop circles or Kate Gosselin’s hair.
- Mastermind international banking crisis. Again.
- Get off heroin once and for all. No more excuses.
- Finally finish comeback album. Go on tour of Indian casinos. Write tell-all book. Go on Oprah. Become self-help guru. Have massive drug relapse. Rinse and repeat.
- Stop lying.
- Recover Oceanic Flight 815.
- Stop illicit affair with Josh Holloway. After just one more secret meeting in Hawaii. But that’s it.
- Get Tiger’s number. I’m sure he just needs someone to listen right now.
- Learn how to make a decent meatloaf.
- Try my best to have a good BM every day.
- Stop making references to my ass in facebook and blog posts.
- Be nicer to paparazzi and fans.
- Exploit newfound niceness with paparazzi and fans for my own financial gain.
- Get into girly bitch-slapping, hair-pulling fight with Ann Coulter. Then take her home, tenderly dress her wounds and make sweet… potatoes for her. She won’t admit it but she loves them. With marshmallows. That kind of evil burns a LOT of calories.
- Dryhump Glenn Beck.
- Dryhump as many people as possible. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: There are not nearly enough occasions in life for dry humping. (2010. Year of the Dry Hump. I’m sure it’s on an astrological calendar somewhere. Send me a link if you find it.)
- Don’t get pregnant.
If anyone wants to team up and help me on any of these (especially #19), give me a shout.
So what are your resolutions?