Date Archives December 2009

Look out, 2010! I have some big plans for you. Big. Plans.

Yes, yes, yes. It’s time. You know you sorta hate resolutions but you also sorta can’t help yourself. So here are my big plans for 2010. Gain no more than 15 pounds before January 14. (I like to start with something achievable.) Change underwear every day. First thing every morning, no matter what the weather, get sneakers on, go outside and steal neighbors’ mail in order to intercept personal checks. Get you-know-who to stop doing you-know-what you-know-where. Perpetrate international hoax, on par with Loch Ness Monster, crop circles or Kate Gosselin’s… Read More

Do you think the Jews know that it’s Christmas?

Right now I feel like a little piece of towel fuzz that has fallen into the bath water. The water is rushing toward the drain and I’m in the little tidal-wavey part at the end going, “Heeeelp! I’m going under!” So much for the joy of the season. I’m in the final days of a massive food drive that I’m running out my house (because I’m a complete idiot), plus I have a work deadline. Oh, and the other thing that I have? Christmas. That slobbery, rude beast (according to… Read More

Yourself the Elf

Consider this a sub-post of the last blog. That way I can say that I did not break my promise about the Christmas/holiday debate being the topic of my next blog. (See Santa? I was a good girl on a technicality.) You tell me you want to know how to figure out your Elf names. No problem. A good way to start is to think of something your body does or a way that your body appears. For example my Elf name, Crinkles, came from the little lines next to… Read More

A new classic: the Christmas song game

Hey! I made a game. I’m so creative sometimes. Look at me: I’m like a little Christmas Elf in Santa’s workshop. If I were an Elf, my Elf name would be Crinkles the Elf. I originally intended this as a drinking game, but since I imagine that most people will play in their cars I had to modify it a little bit. Here’s how you play: First, tune your radio to one of those stations that plays all holiday songs from now until Christmas. Next, punch yourself in the eye… Read More

Dear Facebook: Poke this.

Dear Facebook,  If I really wanted to poke my ex-boyfriend from high school, I probably wouldn’t have broken up with him in the first place. But thanks for the suggestion. Also, if he needs more friends, is it really my place to suggest them? I imagine that when we were going out I had lots of helpful suggestions for him. Clearly, he didn’t take them or we’d probably be married and possibly divorced by now. I don’t know. And the thing is, facebook, neither do you. So get off it, would… Read More