The BEST ADVICE You Can Ever Give Your Kids: Don’t Procreate with a Jackass

We try to give our kids the tools to live happy, successful lives. But here, I believe, is the BEST ADVICE you can ever drill into your children’s brains and we just don’t say it enough:

Don’t procreate with a jackass.

You can use different words when imparting my suggested advice, but I think “jackass” covers it so perfectly. That term can include big, dumb bullies who suspect that they might be incredibly stupid but are actually too idiotic to be sure, or even manipulative, porn-addicted, hooker-loving, cheating SOBs.

It’s really catch-all term for someone who’s going to be a giant pain in your ass forever if you let them stick a baby in you (or if you stick a baby in them).

“But I like jackasses …”

So maybe jackasses are your thing. If so, I should probably clarify: You can date a jackass. You can even marry one. Just don’t have a baby with one.

Why? Because you know who jackasses hang out with? MORE JACKASSES. So if you cavort with one jackass, you can probably count on a giant parade of jackassery walking through your life forever, even if you dump your jackass.

YOUR jackass will marry/knock up ANOTHER jackass and then they’ll BOTH be your problem. (Because you know the partner of jackass isn’t anyone who’s ever going to shut the fark up about anything.)

How to Spot a Jackass

If we’re going to teach our kids about the dangers of jackasses, it’s important that we show them how to spot these douchebags early on, yes? Here are some things to look out for:

1. People who make fun of people who are smarter than they are. Know who does that? Dumb people who are insecure about their intelligence. This is often accompanied by …
2. Meanness. A short fuse combined with limited intelligence … not a great combo. Is this person mean to others? Yeah? It’s only a matter of time before this jackass is going to be mean to you.
3. Porn addiction. Listen, I’m no prude. I think most people have viewed some porn. But if it’s a compulsion that leads to a certain mindset that bleeds over into your relationships … that’s a problem. What does that look like? Perhaps this person pushes you to try things you’re not comfortable with … or they accuse you of being a prude if you don’t do certain things … or their sex drive is waaaaay over the top (and by over the top, I don’t mean “more than yours,” I mean something inside your head is going “This doesn’t seem exactly normal …”)
4. Signs of cheating that the person always has an excuse for. Did you find condoms in his car but you’re on the Pill? You’re effing a jackass — and so are other people, apparently. Is your significant other gone a lot? It’s always the job, isn’t it? Or an elderly family member, maybe? Sure. Sure it is. You better verify that shit in a definitive way, or you could be letting a jackass get the better of you. If you haven’t seen where your significant other lives, if you don’t know his or her friends, if you’ve never met the person’s family or coworkers … yep, #jackass.
5. A history of cheating. Has the person admitted to cheating in the past? You know what history does, right? Say it with me: Repeat itself. This jackass is about to repeat it all over you.
6. A person who makes you think you’re “lucky” to be with them because they’re so much better than you. That’s never true. Jackasses are often ruled by fear that people will figure out how worthless they are. By making you feel worthless, they believe they can be the Rightful Ruler of JackassLand forever. Don’t fall for it.

My kids aren’t dating age yet. I haven’t raised teenagers. I haven’t spoken the words “condom” or “porn” to either of them.

But I will. I’ve already had the sex talk with one of them. I have committed myself to saying what needs to be said. I know that I won’t know everything they do when they leave the house. I know that I won’t know everything that’s going on in their social lives. But I’m sure as hell going to have some conversations about what a quality relationship looks like — and what it doesn’t look like.

I know they’ll probably tune out a lot of my life advice. But “don’t procreate with a jackass” is pretty hard to forget. I’m counting on it.

Important note: This post was inspired by true events, but I should be clear that none of these events pertain to me or anyone in my domicile. So chill already.