Hookers are the Only Consummate Professionals

Note to everyone in the whole world: If you’re ever asked to give a recommendation, do not say that someone is a consummate professional.

Everyone says this. Everyone.

If you’re recommending someone, of course you think they’re really good at being professional in whatever field you’re in. Otherwise, why are you bothering? The bar of what you need to explain is not that low.

“MaryJane is a consummate professional. What I mean by that is that she will usually show up on time and she will usually be fully dressed. She will not cut her nails in the staff kitchen during lunch. She is unlikely to smell like a horse. Only rarely will she urinate in anyone’s cubicle. And if someone brings in doughnuts, she will probably not lick all the frosting off the good ones when no one is looking.”

And think about this: consummate has two meanings.

This exact same word with the exact same spelling also means “to fuck.” Or, if you’d like to get all Merriam-Webster about it, it is a transitive verb, meaning:

1to make (marital union) complete by sexual intercourse 

So what are we really saying when we say that someone is a consummate professional? That they are a professional at fucking or that they are a fucking professional, as in, “That was some fucking good chili!”

And that is my writer-lady PSA for the day. Carry the fuck on.

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