Today was the first full day back from vacation.

Do I have to just stop vacation eating? Because I gotta say, I was thoroughly enjoying eating with abandon for an entire week. Like, right now I want pizza for dinner. A lot of it.

We had pizza twice on vacation. But now I want it again. (A lot of it. Did I say that already?)

But here’s what else is going on … I started a colon cleanse last night. Remember that Colon Blow commercial on SNL many years ago? Sort of like that. Actually, it’s the Dr. Tobias Colon 14-day Quick Cleanse.

Why am I doing this? There are health benefits to cleansing your colon. I don’t know what they are but I trust that they’re important and I care about my health. So this a definitely a personal health initiative and not a plan to effortlessly lose weight by doing nothing but taking a pill and pooping out 5-10% of my body weight.

I took my first pill last night. Judging from the reviews on Amazon, I should be prepared to release out an enormous amount of, ahem, surplus any time now. (The review titled My Holiday Cleansing Log had me laughing so hard I was crying.) Nothing so far for me other than some seriously stinky farts … like, worse than the dog’s. I’m impressed.

I’m looking forward to seeing what happens over the next few days. “Oh look! There’s one of those candy necklaces I used to love back in Kindergarten! And the string is still intact! And … oh my … is that the spare key for my old VW Rabbit? I haven’t seen that since 1990! And there’s the Pearl Jam CD I’ve been looking for!”

Oh, and if you’re an Arrested Development fan, you’ll enjoy this little exchange in the customer Q&A section:

If you’re not an Arrested Development fan, that made no sense. But trust me, it’s hilarious.

OK, I just got dressed for the day at 6:17 PM. Meaning that I took off my jammie shorts and put on sweatpants and a baseball cap so I can look somewhat presentable for the pizza delivery girl. If I just never get dressed in real clothes and keep eating junk food, maybe vacation will just keep happening?