Let’s be cranky this morning shall we?

Here’s a list of things you should not do today:

1. Come downstairs after rolling out of bed, give me the onceover (in my too-big jeans, baseball cap, and sweatshirt that I threw in the dark so I could take a kid to school in the rain) and declare “That’s a look” while sporting just-got-up Heat Miser hair.
2. Write an article about “insanely awesome” healthy after-school snacks and include things like kalamata olives with grape tomatoes and sea salt. You have clearly never met a child.
3. Write an article about “insanely awesome” healthy after-school snacks and include things like apples and peanut butter. Is your next article going to be about “insanely awesome” breakfast foods and include things like cereal? How about “insanely awesome” things to pack in a lunchbox? Note: PB&J is still a PB&J even if you use terms like nut butter and fruit spread. Fancy breads also do not make this a more creative option.
4. Write any article on any topic that requires me to click through a slideshow. It’s a big Internet out there. There’s nothing buried in your little list that I can’t find elsewhere.
5. Have a school fundraiser that requires children to sell magazines. Magazines. Seriously? Is learning how to prop up a dying industry through guilt now part of the school curriculum? Why don’t you just have them sell coal?
6. Prove me right that yes, you ARE a royal pain in the ass when you have to finish your homework in the morning, even though you declare that you will not be.
7. Stagger school start times so much that it requires parents (or, more specifically, this parent) to spend a total of close to three hours getting people out out the door in the morning.
8. Not feel like fall when it’s fall.
9. Be my glasses and hide from me.